We got started talking because my interest in religious affairs rather matched hers. As we continued to talk, I found that she was not as she portrayed herself. She was, indeed, a member of a fundamentalist church, but the sex life she had with her husband was not BDSM. Indeed, it was mostly non-existent, except for an occasional routine slap and tickle, more to release his sexual pressure than to fulfill her sexual need, a concept barely accepted by Conservative Christians. The more and more that she talked to me and others in the Community, the more she wanted what we had.

Finally, she got up the courage to ask her husband to try and dominate her. He suggested that she see a psychiatrist. SM is, after all, a mental illness as defined by the DSM. Fortunately, this man was as passive in his practical life as he was in his love life, so nothing came of the suggestion, but, given that the anti-sex forces have been moving more and more into the psychological community, there is no telling where psychiatry might have led her if she had taken her husband’s suggestions.

After a time of soul searching and no longer being able to take her husband’s earthly incompetence, she left him. This wasn’t an easy thing for her to do. Like many of the people in our community, that first sexual connection had proven difficult, particularly given the environment in which she had taken it. Indeed, when they married, he was as inexperienced as she. Still, when she left him, the worst part about it was that she had to find a home for their dog and the last look the dog gave her as she drove away…

In another case, a woman was having the same problem with her husband. e seemed to have lost interest in their sex life. She came from a very different background, having once been rather wild in her life. She had been overcome a lousy childhood and been exposed to more of the world than the first woman. She was not particularly religious but not opposed to religion as well. When she asked how she could improve her sex life, I suggested that she ask her husband what his sexual fantasies were so that she could bring them to life.

It turned out that her husband wanted her to dominate him, a not unusual situation in the kind of high-powered business atmosphere that he plays in. He was actually relieved that she asked, as he didn’t know how to ask her. It all worked out. While these people are not involved in the community, they discovered a way to make their sex life work for them. As we have seen in earlier columns, the sexological community is beginning to understand that sex has to be enjoyable and hot, in order to remain intact throughout a marriage and each person has their own definition of “Hot”. Problems only seem to arise when the definitions of “hot” don’t seem to converge, or even more so when one partner has the idea that “hot” is somehow sinful.

The first question is, how does this happen? Why do so many people not see sex as fun, but rather as part of a duty to procreate? I suspect it begins with the sexual training that we all get in childhood. Children are all sexual. Ultrasound has shown that male children get erections in the womb and direct observation shows that sometimes erections happen just after birth, but there are parts of the culture that deniy this fact for religious or cultural reasons. Sex is supposed to be the province of adults, so when parents who hold to this idea see children making their natural sexual exploration of their or other children’s bodies, they panic and attempt to suppress this exploration. I suspect that this is why sexuality is the last area of development that is handled with the antique idea that the child is a wild animal who has to be tamed. Granted, sexuality can get you into more trouble if one does not learn about it early, but that is no reason to inhibit a child’s exploration. This trauma, and it would be dishonest to call it anything else, happens so young that we don’t remember it happening, so the repression seems normal and the freedom of our bodies seems aberrant.

If this exploration is ignored as a normal developmental process, then sexual development can take a more normal course. Our sexuality seems to be as individual to us as our voice or our face, so exploration is the only way to understand it, and trying to fit everyone into a single sexual norm would appear to be an exercise in futility. This seems to be the origin, although research should be done to prove it, of so much of the sexual repression that couples run into over the years.

Now we come to the hard part. When one is a part of a long term marriage, or relationship, and one partner or the other begins to show dissatisfaction with that relationship, how do we solve the problem with the relationship? Of course, it all starts with communication.

The best way to begin this communication is to learn first to tell you partner that you are dissatisfied with what is happening in your bedroom. This is a scary thing to do. You love this person and you know how difficult it would be to hear this yourself. Because of our repressive attitudes about sexuality, we are all not very confident in this area. The irony of this, of course, is that very often the other person is just as dissatisfied as you. I’ve found that very often in long-term relationships we have accidentally married someone with complimentary kinks to ourselves.

If you find yourself in that position, then all is well and good. The fact that you have found “The Dominant’s View” means that you can find other resources that will point you on your way, but if you get the response that the first spouse above got, then there is a problem. If the problem is that one person is open sexually, and the other is repressed, then you will already have had problems. One person may want much more sex than the other or one partner will have developed a sexual ritual that has begun to bore the other. There may have been attempts to spice up the sexual practice that came to naught.

At this point, everyone has a decision to make. It could be that awful decision whether to abandon one’s relationship; or one’s sexual needs or it could be to fight the repression holding one back and take the leap into a more adventurous sex life. Either way, it is not going to be easy. The repressed partner is going to have to fight his or her basic sexual training. The freer partner is going to have to fight his or her desire to hurry into new sexualities that will rush the more restrained partner. It is here that discipline and control have to kick in.

That means that this next bit is easier for the Dominant than for the Submissive because he or she has the control. Training someone into the scene is a little bit like gentling a horse. To begin with, some horses are more difficult than others. Someone with whom one shares a similar fantasy (Dominant Woman/Submissive Man or vice versa) is going to have an easier time of introducing dominant techniques. You will each be learning your roles together. Someone who has to show a reticent partner a role they might or might not be interested in will have a more difficult time.

Start with simple things, familiar things. If you haven’t gotten any fantasies out of your partner, you might want to get them to dance in front of you. That’s something not very threatening, but something with which you can introduce the idea that the submissive has lost control.

That concept, loosing control, is the key to this entire dynamic. When that becomes a problem, particularly when dealing with someone who has entered the scene reluctantly, then one has to back off and take stock. On one hand, while it is true that all submissives will test you to feel your strength, it is usually a very simple process to bring them to heel. On the other hand, there are people who will try to submit, but who simply don’t get the idea of giving up control. Dominance should be fun, not a struggle. If you find that you are working harder than the fun, then it isn’t working. This is the lesson I learned as my marriage broke up.

I hope that no one reading this will ever have to face that dreadful decision. It is not an easy thing to tell someone, or be told by someone that they no longer love you. It is not easy to decide between the sexuality one feels and the person one has loved for so many years, but if it does come to that then it has been growing and festering for a while. Love at first sight may be possible, but unlove is something that has to be cultivated. It is best to just let it go. As a Dominant you are a much sought after commodity, and you will not be long alone, I promise. Some people can indeed, go and play after the emotional shock of losing or dropping a spouse. It depends on the relationship just before the break-up, but it is probably not a good idea. What is a good idea is to find someone who is kinky. There are plenty of places to look and more and more people are finding their sexuality is not that taught in church or the schoolroom. The woman I spoke of at the beginning of the column has found love. Just go out and take the risk.