Today you call yourself Mistress Bigcheese or Master Moondoggie, and so you are one, but this does not make you successful as a Dominant, rather it opens you for all kinds of trouble playing in the more populous scene of today. In the not too distant past it was the source of much of the Dominance of the "gentleman classes" under the Code Duello. A man was expected not only to fight duels over his own behavior but also over the behavior of the women and chattel under him. Until a Dom(me) understands this basic principle, that he or she is responsible for both his own behavior and the behavior of his sub(s), to my mind, the Dom(me) is not worthy to accept the submission of anyone. I don't usually take such dogmatic stands but in this instance I have seen just how important it is to understand the above statement before anyone can be successful doing what we do.

So, how does one live up to these lofty ideals? To begin with, a Dom must live up to his own standards. As anyone whose life has been touched by the military knows, one cannot expect to discipline anyone until one is disciplined oneself. Sobriety, moderation and rationality are the marks of most of the successful Doms I've met over the years. While this might seem like the experience of a vanilla Boy Scout, you have to understand and interpret it within the experience of what we do. You can scene using all sorts of evil and destructive emotion, but behind it all you have to understand just what it is that you are doing and that another person has placed him or her well being under your care.

This trust is the wellspring of his or her submission and to violate it, by destructive, inconsistent behavior, is to risk losing that trust. This will lead, inevitably, to the loss of the sub. How can you take the responsibility for his or her behavior onto yourself if your behavior is erratic? How can he or she trust you enough prop their sense of responsibility against a wall which is weak and rotten.

This wall is your control, which must be consistent, unbending and firm. You must view the relationship, within the parameters you have set between yourselves. It is rather like the training of a child or perhaps even more cogently, an animal. The sub has placed his or her humanity, the thing that makes them human, their individual responsibility, in your hands. You are going to return them to an animal state with your ministrations and you have the responsibility to make sure that he or she is not going to find mistreatment part of that experience. The wall must be solid and consistent

Now, what do you get out of this experience? You get obedience. This sounds so simple, but for all but the most exceptional contemporary woman this is very difficult. She has been taught to break out of the mold that contemporary society has set up as an antique model of womanhood and finding that she wants, however temporarily, to be placed back in that mold, is something of a shock. Many women who love the physical sensations of what we do have trouble realizing that obedience is the first requirement of submission. This principle exists for safety reason if nothing else. If your partner is having trouble dealing with this I would suggest that you view this as your first assignment in training. It is rather the same as gentling a horse. Take is it slowly, expect and make sure not to reinforce resistance and never let the subject divert you from your goal, to get him or her to obey.

Ancillary to this, you can’t expect someone to accede to unreasonable demands. You can’t expect of a person any more than they can do. You should be so sensitive to this that you can tell at any given moment what the person’s reaction to an order might be. This doesn’t mean that you will be surprised, but you will at least have taken into account your partner before giving the order. If he or she balks, you have to back up, find out why the resistance, then overcome it.

If you view S/m not from the clichés that you see in the magazines, but from the idea that you are constructing a relationship, only with different rules for the relationship, then this entire idea is absurd. I’m sure that there are people reading this who have gotten cunnilingus or fellatio on the first date, but I’ll bet they are few and far between. You are looking for someone who loves you so much that they are willing to give their will to you, to trust you enough to blindfold them and beat them. Do you really think that this is the best way to inspire that trust?

Better to go slowly, slowly, savor the chase, enjoy the little victories, make them wonder why you aren’t demanding more of them and you will get more from them in the end. It is in the nature of Dominance to enjoy the chase, the seduction, to play with one’s prey. A Dominant who asks for the consummation before the submissive is begging for it shows a lack of discipline, which is most certainly not in the nature of the Dominance.