| I can prove it. I just
took some Dominant’s litmus test online
and failed it. I’m not a Dom. I’m sort of glad I took
it, because now that I know I’m not a Dom I can uncollar my
devoted slave. I don’t have to be responsible for her anymore.
I can hide away my flogger and my ropes and other “tools” of
the trade. I can go back to the land of the vanilla people and try
to blend in, ‘cause obviously I don’t belong here.
Now for the non-sarcastic portion of this month’s column.
Is there really a list of qualities all dominants have? A list
of rules we all obey? A Dominant code of conduct?
I’ve heard people say if you have an online submissive,
you’re not a dominant. Even the litmus test I took said as
much. But I’ve had an online submissive, several in fact,
particularly when I was first starting out. They thought I was
a dominant. More importantly, I was dominant in my relationships
long before I ever got online.
To be Dominant doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aware
of BDSM. That is to say, if you don’t frequent fetish shops,
and you don’t hang out on the Internet, your exposure to
BDSM might be somewhat limited. Mine was.
I worked a job in retail too many hours a week, and when I was
done I had precious little energy left to go exploring. Sure
I had sex with my wife. Sure it was kinky. Sure there were BDSM
elements
in our play. But I didn’t know much about BDSM even though
I practiced bondage. In fact, my only exposure at all, and I don’t
really count it, were the Gor books I’d read as a teenager.
I know Gor isn’t BDSM, but it does have some BDSM sensibilities
and it definitely struck a chord within me. This is probably why
it was so popular. I wonder how many of us wandering around in
the 70s had Dom or sub tendencies and happened to stumble onto
the Gor books (as I did), in the science fiction section of a Barnes
and Nobles. Remember there was no Internet back then. If you didn’t
know about BDSM, how were you to learn? The Gor books were all
I had, which was better than nothing.
When I first got online in the early 90s, it was only a matter
of time before I ran into BDSM and when I did, I still knew next
to nothing.
I first found BDSM on the IRC (Internet Relay Chat), where I met
a lovely slave and her Master, who befriended me. That Master
spoke to me of things like responsibility and safe words (a thing
I could
never have picked up from the Gor books), and taught me about
the needs of submissives, as well as explaining my own needs. That
Master shared his slave with me online, partly because he couldn’t
be there as much as he would have liked due to health problems
and partly to help introduce me to the world of BDSM...and introduced
I was.
I read up on it, learned
about it, bought a collar for my wife, who was, of course, a
submissive, though in that relationship it
was more of a bedroom game than a 24/7 thing. That’s not
quite true. I was in charge of the relationship even outside of
the bedroom, but because I wanted to be fair, I often didn’t
exert my authority. That’s how society trains you. There’s
always that little finger of doubt about how far you can push.
Most of that doubt I left behind long ago, but when you’re
first starting out, you really do have to feel your way around,
which is what I did.
Over the years I felt my way around online. Sure I had real life
experiences as well, but I found myself in a minority as far
as my specific tastes go, which is one of the things most people
don’t realize.
In order to find a sub you’re compatible with, she has
to be turned on by the same types of things you are. If you’re
into giving pain and the sub is not into receiving it, my guess
is your relationship won’t last that long.
I didn’t get heavily into the scene in New York City, primarily
because one of my friends, who was a sadist, was into the scene
and the few times he tried to help me out and bring me to clubs
or whatnot, they were the wrong clubs or the wrong groups. What
they were into I wasn’t and vice versa. How does a Dom
go about finding his place?
Remember, I was still in retail at that point. Still working
weekends. Still working too many hours (though I was no longer
married). How was I going to continue my explorations into the
world of BDSM?
The answer for me was online. Yes, I was an online Master. Sue
me. I had online slaves. I enjoyed myself. I learned about the
lifestyle. I met some people in real life out of that, including
a sub I lived with for three years, and when that relationship
ended, I went back to online because that was most convenient
for me.
So the next time someone says this person isn’t a real
master if he..., maybe you should think about what’s actually
being said.
Real Masters are real people and have real problems. Online sites
tend to say a Master wouldn’t become angry over certain
things or he wouldn’t yell at you for asking questions.
I don’t usually yell at subs for asking questions, but
I had one sub who would ask me questions at the worst possible
time, such as when I was writing. As I had a rule when I’m
typing you have to get my attention before speaking, and she’d
just blurt out questions, it became frustrating. Naturally she
heard about it.
Sometimes I’d come home from work absolutely exhausted.
Sure I was her Dominant, but Dominants have good days and bad
too. Dominants also have all different levels of experience.
I’ve read in a few places... your Dominant will never yell
at you for ABC (insert your own sin here). Well, I’ve yelled
at people simply because I was tired and in pain, even though
they didn’t deserve it. Anyone with children can tell you
it happens.
Oh I see, dominants being dominant, need to be in control of
themselves every second of every day and they never lose their
temper unjustly. I understand now. A slave can have a bad day
and make a mistake because that’s allowed, but a Dominant
can’t because he’s above that sort of thing, is that
what you’re saying?
Please, people. Wake up and smell the coffee. If you look for
the “perfect” dominant, you’re going to be
looking a long time. This is the BDSM version of the Cinderella
story. A Dom might be a perfect match for a sub, but he’ll
never be perfect with a capital “P”.
There is no such thing as a Dom with no flaws. Doms will get
sick, will have aches and pains, will have bad days, and sometimes,
he’ll do the wrong thing.
Sure there are plenty of guys on the web who are “fake” Doms.
I’ve met a few of them. There are some fake subs running
around as well. And I’ve met a few real life players. They
play the role of a Dom or sub, but to them it’s just a
bedroom game. There’s nothing wrong with that. It was a
bedroom game to me when I started out, but you have to start
somewhere. Some people will never graduate past that point and
that’s okay, because some subs want that same thing.
That’s really what it’s all about. I have these needs,
you have these needs, your needs match my needs. I don’t
need a webpage to tell me those needs are wrong. Or that I’m
not a Dominant if I feel one way or another, or do one thing
or another. That’s like saying I wasn’t a salesman, ‘cause
I occasionally lost a sale or had a bad week. I’d love
to know why submissives have pages and pages devoted to telling
them that they will never be perfect and can’t expect to
do everything just so, but no one has a page up there that says
it’s okay to be a Dom and fuck up occasionally. You won’t
be judged. Your slave loves you.
Fortunately, though I do make mistakes sometimes, my slave still
loves me. I’m her Master and that’s all there is
to it.
Doms, don’t take this lying down. Stand up for your right
to be human. Your right to make mistakes. Your right to do the
wrong thing sometimes. It doesn’t make you less of a Dom.
It makes you more human.
And never let a column on a BDSM site replace your thinking.
It’s just someone’s opinion or perspective. Always
strive for perfection but don’t expect to find it.
You’ll be a lot happier that way.
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